Tuesday 15 May 2018

Size Does Matter

Well it certainly does when it comes to the length of some films.  And I have to say, on many occasions, less definitely is more.  My problem is this - put me in a comfy chair in a dark room, or even an uncomfy chair in a dark room, and suddenly my body clock says, ok then, bedtime it is. 
It doesn't matter what time of day or night I go to the cinema, it is always the same. 
And it baffles me.  As I feel myself slowly drifting into a delicious slumber, I look around (with the remaining eye that hasn't already closed) at all those perky and alert cinema-goers and wonder how on earth they are staying awake.  As Toyah very wisely once said, 'It's a Mystery'.  And if you don't know who Toyah is, you're too young to be reading this.

Having missed the ending (and sometimes the middle) of many a film, I finally discovered the most effective way to stay awake.  I buy myself a small bag of popcorn on the way in, and if I pace myself, it usually keeps me going to, if not the very end, then close enough for me to hang on until the end, with the help of a little fidgeting and position changes from leg crossed to the left and then to the right. I also move my head a bit.  It's lucky I'm not very tall otherwise I expect it would be really annoying for the person sitting behind me.

However, the problem here is that the length of films seems to be getting longer.  It's not good. 
It might be a bit to do with the excess of adverts, which no one really wants, and which may add fifteen minutes or so to my arduous torture, but generally, anything longer than an hour and a half is really too much, and anyway, my popcorn allowance simply can't sustain anything longer. I just about managed all the way though the Guernsey Literary Potato Pie Society at 2 hours and 4 minutes due to a caffeine boost before and during, but Avengers Infinity War at 2 hours 40 minutes - well, put it this way, by the time everyone was evaporating, I'd missed so much I couldn't care less, not even when poor Spider-Man crumbled away. Apparently I am heartless, according to my teenage son, who found that scene particularly moving. 

I am now considering my options for the future, and while I am reluctant to move up to the medium sized popcorn, I am afraid I have no choice. While it is widely recognised that popcorn consists mostly of air, and in some circles is considered a superfood, I am concerned that an increase in my intake may ultimately be an unwise move, what with summer looming and the prospect of wishing to remove my thermals becoming a reality.

I can now only ponder where this may lead.  I suppose I could limit myself to less lengthy films but then my only option would be matinees with vocally unchallenged juniors who don't know that you're supposed to WHISPER in the cinema. Or else I could just take lots and lots of caffeine laden drinks with me, although the risk here is the need to wee at a crucial point in the plot and so I would probably miss half the film anyway while I wait in the queue for the loo.

I give up. I think I'll just sit down in a nice comfy chair in a dark room and consider my options ...

FIN zzzzzzzz





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