Norfolkbroad

I Take It All Back

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:21:00 +0000

I take it all back - teachers are angels and deserve their 12 weeks off, and more besides. I know I have had a slight turnaround on my previous views, but with good reason. Last week I graciously offered my services as Classroom Assistant in my 5 year old's class, thinking it would be a pleasant change from my normal daily grind - oh, how wrong could I be!
If I thought it was hard enough coping with one five year old, I was little prepared for a whole class of them, all talking and asking me questions and wanting my attention and being irritating - all at once. The apparently 12 year old teacher just breezed through it all, while I was left wondering at what point I thought being a primary school teacher was comparable with being a food-taster for Marks and Spencers. The idea of getting paid for something so easy, such fun! But now I know better, and I am a big enough person to admit when I am wrong (just ask my partner - actually, don't). I know when my opinions are misguided or slightly off balance. And so I take it all back. They deserve their holidays and their training days - they deserve them all. They are saints, they really are. And I expect the valium helps too.....

Enough Already

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:39:00 +0000

That’s it! I’ve had enough, I’m downing tools and going on strike. Why? Well why not?
Ok, if you want a reason, I’ll give you a reason.
It’s the teachers; well perhaps not necessarily the teachers themselves as such, but the unions, the government or whoever the bloody hell decided that 12 weeks paid holiday is just not enough. I know I’m ranting and not being my usual clear and concise self, but I’m just so angry. I can hardly string my pumpkin lights up, let alone a sentence.

Oh those poor overworked and undervalued teachers. Six week summer holidays are not enough, give them another week off to recover from the last six weeks. Oh, but hang on, we need to train them so they’ll able to teach our offspring even better. Give them another day off and add it on to the half-term holiday – no-one will notice. Oh and while we’re at it, give them another few weeks off in December and a day or two in January – we’ll call it the Christmas holiday – we’ll all be too busy watching telly and shopping and cooking and eating and looking after our kids to catch on. Tag another day on for good measure, they can call it a special team-building/ training/ educational/ new government initiative. We’re bound to swallow it. What? What’s that I hear them say? You want us have our staff parties during the holidays? Stop it right now. How dare you imply that we’re onto a good thing, that we’re taking the proverbial? Don’t we deserve a little bit of time off? To recharge our batteries so we can give our ‘all’, to your precious darlings? Surely you don’t begrudge us that? Too bloody right, I do.

Enough’s enough, I say. Parents unite, I urge you all. It’s time to say no. Let them have their 12 week holidays if they must, but that’s all they’re getting, that is more than enough. I, for one am exhausted with it all. I think I’ll go on strike for a day, just so I can put my feet up. Perhaps I’ll sit by the computer and pretend to look busy while I google rug clearance sales in the Outer Hebrides? Or perhaps I’ll just have a training day – now that does sound like a plan …..

Diary of A Desperate Mother of A Teenage Son

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 10:30:00 +0000

Yes, I have adopted a new title this week. Sounds a little over the top? A bit dramatic? Perhaps. And yet true. So true ..... I just don't understand how my lovely, sweet and caring little boy has turned into a glaring, moody, overly sensitive, snotty, rude, obnoxious teenager overnight. Did I blink and miss something? Certainly there was nothing about this developmental stage in the "What to expect when you're expecting" book. I'm sure I would have remembered if there was. No, this stage was definitely not mentioned in any books I read. So what do I do? As a jewish mother my natural instinct is to feed him. And perhaps this will show him that in spite of his hormonal mood swings and muttering complaints that I am 'the bitch-mother from hell for not letting him spend 6 hours a day flitting between Play Station and MSN', that I still love him and know that deep down, buried beneath the raging hormones and witch hazel spot treatement, is that lovely, sweet and caring man/boy who is yet to emerge, like the butterfly who emerges from its chrysalis, no longer the repugnant, hairy caterpillar .... but something magnificent and magical (who makes it's own bed, smiles without being told to and doesn't leave rotting bananas in it's school bag with any luck)

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (or Chow Mein and Chappatis)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 12:19:00 +0000

Inspired by "Julie and Julia", the new film in which Julie Powell sets herself the challenge to cook all 524 recipes from the French cookery book by Julia Child in just one year, I have decided to go one step further.
Whilst perusing my chinese takeaway menu last night, I was thrilled to discover that including the chef's specials, there are 169 dishes. However, add the 260 on the indian takeaway menu which do not include the recommended Chef's special set meals, nor the lamb tikka passanda which I found very disappointing, but does allow for the sundries, and my goodness, we are up to 429!
Therefore, it would be possible to have one takeaway dish per day for an entire year, plus 64 to spare unless its a Leap Year, which is good, because, let's face it, a dish of crispy seaweed (which technically isn't seaweed at all but deep-fried shredded cabbage) is not going to make a very substantial meal at all. So with those 64 spare dishes to choose from to supplement numbers 1-17 in the appetisers section particularly (I do hope you are still following, or have you given up the will to live yet?) I should be alright. Phew.
You can see where all this is going, can't you? Absolutely - right on my already ample buttocks. Now, I wonder who's going to want to make a film about that?......

The New 'Man' In My Life Part Two

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 09:03:00 +0000

Of course, like any new relationship it wasn’t all plain sailing. He clearly felt that he wasn’t getting all the attention he deserved, and would peck my ear to tell me so, and in return I wasn’t altogether comfortable with him pooing on my shoulder, but after several weeks we reached that point where we were just happy in each other’s company, albeit in the confines of the garden shed. But in spite of our mutual affection, I knew that it was just a summer romance and inevitably could never be anything more than just that.
Jack was a free spirit, and as much as I could see the affection in his little beady eyes, I loved him too much to keep him a prisoner. It was never going to be easy, letting go, but in the end it was the right thing to do.
There will always be a special place in my heart for Jack, but he is now with a new woman; Diane. It is her shoulder on which Jack will poo for the next few months, her ear he will nibble affectionately, and from her aviary that he will eventually fly to freedom, and live the life of the magnificent Jackdaw that he surely is.

The End

The new man in my life.

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 13:11:00 +0000

Just when you're least expecting it, and certainly when you're not even looking for it, love can just plop into your life like a gift from above. Actually, it did literally plop into my life from above - the day Jack fell down the chimney. One minute I was quietly sitting at the kitchen table eating a cheese and pickle sandwich, and the next I was rather perturbed to hear a quiet rustling sound from the chimney above the woodburner. My first thought was that I had imagined it, my second was interrupted by the caw of a baby jackdaw. My third I cannot actually write - there are too many rude words in it.
Initially I tried to ignore it; the sound of a bird scuttling around the chimney, the intermittent pitiful squawk, but worst of all were the quiet bits in between when I wondered if perhaps my uninvited guest had croaked it. After hours of silence, convinced that he had more than likely dragged himself up to the top of the chimney and was pleasantly relaxing in his nest, whilst singing a fabulous duet with Amy Winehouse on the radio - me, not the bird (I actually think I was a little more in tune than she was, but that's beside the point), there it was again; the scuttling, followed by the pathetic, "I am still here you know, waiting patiently but getting a tiny bit pissed off, if you know what I mean", type of squawk. It was then I knew there was just one thing to do - get the Artist quick. Of course there are many things that women can manage on their own without a man's help (even the scientists agree on this point - we don't even need you for making babies any more), yet there is one job which is still a 'Man's Job' - rescuing possibly mangled birds out of chimneys.
And so it was, that after much shifting of chimney covers and large avalanches of dust, grit and soot, Jack came into my life.

Here Comes the Sun

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:03:00 +0000

In the midst of a recession there is always one thing that is guaranteed to either add to the misery or uplift even the grumpiest of moods - the good old British weather.
However, the trouble with a little bit of sunshine and temperatures which creep marginally beyond freezing point is the amount of bare flesh we are suddenly and often unwillingly subjected to. Now there may be some who do not mind this phenomenon, or worse, perhaps even welcome this unveiling of white, lumpy, pasty flesh, but personally speaking, it offends me to see my own white, lumpy, pasty flesh on a daily basis, so why on earth should I want to see anybody else's wobbly bits trying to make an escape for freedom?
Worse still, in the desperate attempt to absorb the watery rays of sunshine, watching the white dumpling-like offerings become incandescent, angry red dumpling-like offerings is even more repulsive. Now, had I the toned, lithe, golden body of my dreams, perhaps we'd be taking a different approach here? Maybe I too would be willing to get 'em out - I'm talking about legs here, what did you think I meant?
If we lived in a much promised but failing miserably to materialise, globally-warmed, sunny Mediterranean climate perhaps it would be another story altogether? But we don't.
If and when Cromer Pier becomes known as Cromer-Sur-Mer, playground for the rich and famous, and the Promenade a palm tree/ seafood restaurant/ open air bar-lined boulevard, then and only then will I whip off my Khaftan and Flip Flops in public.
You have been warned.

Revenge is a Dish best served cold, Mr Blumenthal

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:31:00 +0000

It is not sour grapes. Just because he happened to be on the selection committee who rejected, yes REJECTED my Hot Smoked Salmon and Cream Cheese offering for the new Walkers Crisp flavour, is nothing to do with my less than sympathetic feelings towards Heston Blumenthal and his Fat Duck mystery lurgy crisis. Not really.
But if I was the malicious type, you might wonder if I was the sort of person who would think, "Serves you bloody right for choosing cajun bloody squirrel in the first place".
Of course, I'm NOT that type of person at all.
Poor Heston, I am sorry for you, I really am - and folks ...... I mean that most sincerely.

A New Year's Revolution

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 20:07:00 +0000

I have just made my New Year's resolution - I would have made more but we're in a recession don't ya know, so I thought I'd better cut back.
So here it is - my resolution.
To only make friends with people poorer or fatter than me.
I completely understand how shallow this may sound, but when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. By this simple act, my self esteem will soar. And with greater self esteem comes greater confidence. With greater confidence, I will be more eager and receptive to embracing new opportunities. And hopefully, with these new opportunities will come the wealth and pert buttocks I failed to achieve last year (or ever).
And then, being so utterly contented, I will share my happiness and help my poor, fat friends get rich and skinny too. A win, win situation, don't you agree?
I think I may have just started something - but you don't have to thank me. Just pay me.

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Happy Hallowistmas)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 08:45:00 +0000

What? Has the computer gone funny? Alas, no. Confused and bewildered?
You and my son both. Once again it is THAT time of year, when with unscrupulous determination and skill, the shops and supermarkets begin their dirty tricks campaign, desperate to unburden us of our hard-earned pennies one way or another.
I warn you now, you parents of those too young to be seduced by shop windows laden with plastic broomsticks and flashing pumpkins, fake christmas trees and 'Santa Stop Here' signs.
Your time will come, so prepare yourself now.
Why, in September, when innocently popping into the supermarket for a cooked chicken and a bag of mixed lettuce, should we want to see vampire costumes snuggled upon the shelves next to mince pies and tinsel? Try explaining to a four year old that it will not be Halloween tomorrow, nor even the day after, and that Father Christmas is not loading up his sleigh as we speak.
It makes me grumpy, and yes, I will confess, slightly panic-stricken.
Logically I know that there will not be an unexpected pumpkin shortage, but deep, deep down, like a grumbling appendix nestles the nagging fear of failure. For as a Mother, it is my duty to ensure that the 31st October will not be the anticlimactic non-event of my own dusty and distant childhood, when the most I had to look forward to on Halloween would be the 'Blue Peter Special', in which I could be inspired by demonstrations of 'How to create a witch's hat and a broomstick out of a washing-up liquid bottle, the inside of a toilet roll and some double-sided sticky tape'. Ah, the pressure, the pressure - our parents had it easy, didn't they?
Other than Christmas and birthdays, all they were obliged to provide was an egg at Easter, and a sparkler or two on Bonfire night. We, on the other hand, have created a ridiculously high standard which we struggle to sustain. Was my Mum a bad parent for not taking me Trick or Treating? Of course, it didn't actually exist then - not in Essex anyway, but even if it had, I expect she would have had more sense than to encourage her child to wander the streets on a dark winter's night, knocking on the doors of strangers, demanding free sweets.
More sense than me anyway.
Yes, I have finally given in to all the pleading, the whining and the emotional blackmail (pleeeease, ALL my friends are going........). So if you happen to see a pathetic, embarrassed, premenstrual-looking 41 year old on your doorstep Friday week, have pity. And give me chocolate. Lots of chocolate.
Happy Halloween! Roll on Christmas?!

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (It's A Wonderful Life)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:42:00 +0000

It occurs to me that from this financial meltdown, this CREDIT CRUNCH, good may come in surprising ways. Bear with me, I am not totally mad, just verging on the marginally insane - I am a Libran after all. It is in my nature to keep my options open.
Having lived with the uncomfortable thought that in the next ten years or so, more people will be suffering with, or kicking the bucket from obesity-related illnesses, perhaps this Credit Crunch will make many of us have to rethink how and what we eat.
Perhaps when we can no longer afford to indulge in regular chip/chinese/curry/pizza/fried chicken takeaway fests we will start to realise what we have been missing - a rib cage for one thing, and pert buttocks for another.
For me personally, having to 'tighten my belt', has in fact meant I really can now tighten my belt.
So on a brighter note - I may be poor, the job centre may be beckoning, but my surgically attached jeans are now loose, verging on the baggy, and so, I must admit, just like one of my favourite films ever, "It's a wonderful life".

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Happy as a Dead Cat)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 10:06:00 +0000

I once read a book called 'Happy as a Dead Cat'. It was very funny and made me laugh.
I once had a cat who died last week. It was not very funny and made me cry.

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (An Oxymoron - The Joys of Parenthood)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 09:59:00 +0000

Ah, the joys of Parenthood – the worry, the sleepless nights.
From the day they arrive into the world, it is the sleepless nights which are the horribly recurring feature of those early weeks and sometimes months. Exhausting and unexpected, no matter how prepared you think you may be. Tell your friends you are with ‘Bun in the Oven’, and predictably at least half will alert you to the fact that you’ll never have a good night’s sleep again. Ignore them at your peril, it’s absolutely true.
I don’t just mean the nights of feeds and nappies and wind, of pacing the house and even the streets – no, I am talking about the nights of fitful sleep or none at all when you lay in bed simply worrying about the things you can no longer control.
Snip, snip go the apron strings, and so the gut-wrenching anxiety begins; when they take their first steps into the school playground, when you are no longer there to hold their hands to keep them safe, or mop away the tears when knees get grazed – Ah, the joys of Parenthood.
Having gone through it twice with my twelve year-old, from the first day of Primary school to the first day of Senior school, you’d think I’d be getting the hang of it all by now, wouldn’t you?
Funny thing is, today was my youngest son’s last day of nursery, and come September, I don’t imagine that sending him off in the world will be any easier than on previous occasions but at least this time I know for sure I will be better prepared with a family sized box of Kleenex to wipe that snotty, tear-stained face – after all, at my age it’s starting to become embarrassing.

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Anyone For Tennis?)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 18:01:00 +0000

The Men's Final, Wimbledon.
Decisions, decisions.
Who should I support?
Federer? - Nice cardie, embroidered initials on the pocket.
Or Nadal? - Bit of a chav, sleeveless vest, white sellotape around his legs (?!), and Nike logos over absolutely everything; from sweat band to socks and probably pants but I have no proof - Mmm, Nice.
Two sets in I was firmly behind Federer. He was losing badly but looked no more perturbed than if he'd just discovered the battery had run out in his Cuckoo Clock - what a gent.
Nadal on the other hand, grunting like a pig in labour, muscles bulging out of his vest, with baggy nylon-looking shorts waggling about in the wind (is it me or are the girls' skirts getting shorter while the boys' shorts are getting longer?). No wonder he was sweating so much.
And not a flicker of a smile, not once. Just a permanent sneer - it wasn't nice and it certainly wasn't pleasant. Just very stressful. So stressful I couldn't bear to watch. So I went to do some ironing, and pondered, like you do, when engaged in some mindless, pointless, domestic activity.
And then it struck me. With horror I realised my allegiance was totally and utterly misplaced. If I had to choose between Switzerland or Spain, which would it be?
Or to put it another way,
Paella or Chocolate?
Definitely Paella (unless I was premenstrual, in which case I'd probably have both) - the juicy, succulent prawns, the squid, the tangy pimientos, some chicken, perhaps a little spicy chorizo, the glowing, yellow, saffron-infused rice. I just can't drool over chocolate in the same way, sorry Roger. It was at this point that I took a sneaky peek at the match, which by now had Roger fighting back heroically to win the third and then the fourth set, making me feel slightly less guilty for abandoning him. I also discovered that watching on widescreen upstairs made Nadal's muscles far more bulbous and his sneer far more evil than on the old box I was now watching downstairs - I think he was probably just really concentrating. Which was just as well.
And so jubilant was I when he did finally win, that I immediately went out and bought a Toblerone to celebrate - well they'd hardly be selling paella at the petrol station, would they?

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Is it a government conspiracy or is Life really so depressing?)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 09:58:00 +0000

Someone tell me please, because I would really like to know, who invents the phrases that wiggle their way into our daily life as if they'd always been there? Credit Crunch, Weapons of Mass Destruction, Carbon Footprint?
Is it the Press? Maybe the Government? Whoever it is, I'd like them to stop.
One minute we've never heard of it, the next we're all saying it with such confidence and alarming regularity that we can barely remember a time when we didn't say it.
Is Credit Crunch a nicer way of saying RECESSION? If we call Nuclear Bombs weapons of Mass Destruction will it hurt less when they go bang?
And Carbon Footprint?
For goodness sake, let's just spit it out and be honest. We're not just leaving dirty marks on the new carpet, we're killing the planet!
I've had enough, really I have.
And anyway its all so depressing. If 'they' are going to carry on making up these silly phrases, how about some nice ones for a change? Life's hard, we could all do with a bit of cheering up. Who wouldn't rather hear some good news than some bad? So never mind the dying housing market, unemployment, war and famine and ask yourself this;
As my four year old son enquired this morning, "Daddy, do you prefer Credit Crunch for breakfast or Cheerios?" I know which I will be choosing.

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Who Killed the Tooth Fairy?)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 15:22:00 +0000

First I should explain one thing. In my family we have a tendency to be a bit behind with our dental development. My Mum tells me it's a trait which comes from her side of the family. The fact is, we get our teeth late. My wisdom teeth didn't appear until my thirties, and I think my Mum is still waiting for hers. At primary school my son still had a full shiny set of baby teeth long after his friends had grinned proudly with gaps and then ridiculously large teeth that sprouted from their gums at peculiar angles. It is for this reason that we continued the tradition of the tooth fairy; squealing with delight and 'surprise' when shiny coins were discovered with awe the morning after a visit from said magical being (long after it was perhaps sensible). But it is always easy to be wise after the event, as I found to my cost.
This morning I did a terrible thing.
My eleven year old son who is in his third week of secondary school told me he didn't think he believed in the Tooth Fairy anymore. (He had come out of school yesterday, carrying his toothy 'trophy' with delight, after it had wiggled it's way out in geography). Last night we had carried out the normal childhood deception of leaving the coin under the pillow, expecting to hear the usual delighted cries this morning of, "She's been!" (it's a pound these days, even for little teeth - god knows how much we'll be forking out for our three year old when his time comes - I expect we'll be leaving a crisp tenner on the bedside table by then - I'd better start saving now).
However, this morning was a little bit more low-key and I sensed a change. This is to be expected after all. He's an eleven year old boy who's suddenly feeling extremely grown-up, having learnt how to tie his school tie last week, being reminded constantly that he's a 'High School Bloke' now, and no longer a little boy (except in my eyes anyway, but I am his Mother, and moreover a Jewish Mother which (trust me) is even worse.
So when he casually declared his sudden revelation I was partly relieved and partly saddened by the end of this little bit of his childhood. After all, I was getting slightly anxious that if he now went to school and announced proudly that the tooth fairy had visited him last night, at best he would be teased relentlessly for the next five years until he went to college, or at worst would be beaten up, resulting not only in more visits from the tooth fairy, but also the dentist and the plastic surgeon. I was therefore totally unprepared for the reaction I received when I admitted that perhaps he had good reason for his doubts, and then, after eleven years of creating this wonderfully convincing myth, with one sleepy but cautious confession I crushed his world - I killed that poor, innocent, kindly giver of joy and money - I killed the tooth fairy!
But worse was to come. He now doesn't believe in Father Christmas either, and that, I think , is harder for me to come to terms with than him, for come Christmas Eve this year when I am merrily creating trails of Santa foot-prints in icing sugar, and leaving tea-stained thank you notes for the mince pies and carrot offering, he might just go along with it for the sake of his mad, sentimental mother - but then again, he might not.

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Wanted: Yummy Mummy, Fit-At-Forty)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:10:00 +0000

You can't escape it these days - the desire to match up to at least one of the above. Once upon a time, by the age of forty you'd done your bit; had a job, got married, had babies and were ready to step into middle-age with grace. By Forty, instead of worrying about your muffin-top you were more concerned with perfecting your Yorkshire pudding and ensuring your doorstep was the shiniest in the street. But Aunt Bessie now takes care of the Yorkshire pudding, and as for the doorstep - who cares?
It's a little bit different now though isn't it? Nowadays we girls do what we want when we want. We can have a career in our twenties, find a man (any one will do), and then pack in two babies in our thirties, rear children in our forties whilst holding down a full-time/ part-time job, and have our fifties to look forward to for an occasional lie-in (football practice/ ballet / drama/ karate classes permitting). Isn't equality great?
Women fought hard for it - for having it all, and we carry on fighting the fight, but with a 'slight' difference. Look at the cover of any women's magazine and what do you see? The answers to the questions that constantly vex us; How to beat the battle of the cellulite, bannish those crow's feet, which jeans to wear to look ten stone lighter, the secret of looking a hundred years younger ..... I would go on, but how much more depressing would that be?
Isn't it amazing that here we are, with more money (Apparently. Try telling that to my bank manager who gives me the beady eye whenever I have the nerve to enter the bank, and who always finishes our transaction with a little smile and the words, "Shall I make you an appointment to see how we can help improve your finances?"
"In a bit of a hurry today, but I'll definitely pop in next week to sort it out", I say, whilst casually sliding towards the door.
We have more appliances to make life easier; washing machines, tumble-driers, dishwashers, microwaves, but we don't have more time. We have cars for the convenience of not having to wait in the rain for buses, which then means we have to go to the gym to lose the weight that we put on by sitting on our expanding back-sides in the car that was meant to help us but is now responsible for our lack of fitness and cellulite.
But we're tough, we can cope. What we can't ignore is the issue of aging and actually looking like real women. And here's where we really have to win the battle, because to lose it would mean actually looking your age (or worse, older) and showing a less than washboard stomach means admitting that your jelly belly is proof that you were old enough to give birth in the first place.
So here I am, in my quest for the above title, despite my 39 years of experience that tells me its shallow to care so much how I look, and even more so to care what others think about how I look. But honestly, what would mean more than anything on my ever looming fortieth birthday would be for someone to say, "Oh my God, you've lost so much weight, and by the way, you really don't look your age".
P.S (Some months later .....) I actually had an amazing birthday despite the fact that not one person mentioned how young or slim I looked. Clearly, with age has come wisdom, or else I had such a good time at my surprise party at the Savoy, Joe Allens and during my weekend in Paris that I was too drunk and too busy having a good time to care! Ah, Forty - its fabulous.

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Chapter Four)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 21:17:00 +0000

To fill in a 'slight' gap in my story so far, in between moving to Norfolk and having a baby we settled into our new life, started a business and eventually made some friends, including a gallery owner whose aquaintance the Artist made one wet, Saturday afternoon. He was (and probably still is) tall, dark and handsome, and until you get to know him better, quite charming. Not long after we also met his girlfriend who seemed very nice too - at first. It soon became apparent that all was not well.
Within an alarmingly short amount of time our friendship had blossomed, which was a little disconcerting for an ex-Londoner like myself. In London you allow a decent period of 'acquaintanceship' to pass before you progress to the next level of 'friendship' - after all, you can't be too careful. You don't want to end up being stalked by a psychopath, and let's be honest, there's plenty of 'em. But that's London, we're in the country now, let's throw caution to the wind! Big mistake. One minute we're discussing the weather, the next, Gallery-Man's telling us the first of many sorry tales of his relationship dramas; every row, every item she'd ever thrown at him (and clearly missed), every reconciliation, and every final ending, including the last.
And so our friendship continued as we received our weekly (and sometimes daily) instalments of his life's dramas which were both gripping and irritating - a bit like tuning into a soap opera. Sometimes the characters and storylines are ridiculous and infuriating, but you know you have to tune in the following week for the next episode. Unfortunately it all became rather one-sided.
Gallery-Man, "Hi guys, how are you?"
Us,"Hi, well ok, but ...."
Gallery-Man, "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah ...guess what I did/said/ate/bought?"
And so would follow a full and detailed description of his latest conquest, fabulous meal he'd cooked, how much money he'd made and what he'd spent it on (usually a boat or a watch).
I have to say, in all honesty that there probably were moments of envy (depending on whether or not we believed him or else suspected he was having a Walter Mitty moment), but generally it became quite dull, as does any one-sided conversation. For as we all know, friendship is about give and take, about listening, about kindness and about sharing. The sharing certainly was not a problem. He was generous to a fault, and once even appeared with a new set of saucepans for me because he thought mine were looking a bit old and past it. I was partly offended but obviously grateful for such a sweet gesture. I never did get rid of the old pans though - I think pans are like jeans, the more worn in (or out) the better. And since we've had a new kitchen I have a lot more space for my pan collection so I didn't need to get rid of the old ones on the basis of lack of room in the cupboards, and when I do Christmas dinner I never ever run out of pans, because let's face it, by the time you do the brussel sprouts, the potatoes, the parsnips, the carrots, the peas, the mange tout, the broccoli (ok, perhaps I do go a bit overboard with the vegetables but its so nice to have a choice, and I make a fabulous bubble and squeak with the left-overs on Boxing day), the gravy, the Christmas pudding (I don't think it's the same done in the microwave), that's an awful lot of saucepans needed isn't it? Saves a lot of extra washing up as we go along, and gives the dishwasher something to do while we're opening the presents and drinking the Bristol Cream. Anyway, as usual I'm getting distracted. Back to the story. You may have realised by now that it is now, alas an ex-friendship but you'll never guess why. To be honest I can hardly believe it myself.
When I was very visibly pregnant (at least 6 months), we had a get-together in a restaurant for his birthday with several of his friends, his children, the Artist, our son, me AND the new girlfriend, who will be known as Dora (not her real name, of course). She was a bit gorgeous and bore more than a passing resemblance to the actress, Amanda Donahoe, apart from her gothy, black frizzy hair which I mention just to be bitchy. You will see later that she deserves it (and more), and that I am an angel for not saying worse. We all tried to be friendly, which she most definitely was not. She spent most of the evening sitting far away from us in the 'smoking area' (if you are reading this several years in the future, this may sound very dated and hard to imagine, when smoking will no doubt be banned from everywhere except a special sealed room in your own house and squashed fag butts on the pavement nothing but a distant memory). As it happens, since I have been writing this tale (obviously a tad slowly), there is a no-smoking ban in all public places, so not only am I a lazy writer, I am also a psychic.
Anyway, the evening ended on a slightly friendlier note, or so I thought, until Gallery-Man called me the next day. "Hi, its me!" Obviously we didn't get many calls at this time so I immediately knew who it was. He went on to tell me that the antisocial, deranged Dora thought that we were having an affair, and worse still, that she 'knew' the baby was his. Yes, that's right. My baby. And the Artist's baby. He admitted that she was a bit mad, but was fairly sure he'd pursuaded her that her ludicrous, delusional rantings were just, simple delusional rantings and nothing more. A few days later I had a chance to see for myself, just how convinced she was. Bonfire night is a bit of an event in these parts, and in one particular place the villagers all dress up in strange, spooky costumes, parading the streets (both of them) with burning torches, until setting alight a pile of timber large enough to be seen in Australia. Clearly Health and Safety laws do not apply here. We were invited to join Gallery-Man, his kids and, more importantly, Dora. We had our reservations, but thought we'd give it a try. We all met, smiled and said hello - so far, so good. The kids ran off nearer the fire to 'get a better view', and the Artist chatted to Gallery-Man, while Dora with her black, gothy frizzy hair who was looking decidedly witchy, and her girfriend sized me up - not hard considering my girth at this point. The girlfriend didn't actually speak but just glared, while Dora smiled and laughed through gritted teeth. And all the while I smiled and laughed and knew, like any woman who's watched Fatal Attraction knows, he'd found himself a bunny-boiler.
The Artist and Gallery-Man watched us smiling and laughing and thought that all was well - Men have no idea. Not surprisingly the witch and her assistant soon moved far away from our merry little group, to no doubt concoct a spell to make me disappear at the very least, or at best to die a grisly death on top of the pyre. I do believe that was the very last time we socialised together. Yes, who says life in the country is dull.

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Chapter Three)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:15:00 +0000

Fast forward to January 2004. I am now pregnant and waiting for the birth of our daughter. I say this not because of any confirmation of this fact at my previous scan, but because a woman I have never met before who is claiming to have special powers in this area has assured me that it will be a girl. She knows this from spinning me round quickly (well as quickly as a nearly nine months pregnant woman can be spun around), and on studying my rear for a moment or two tells me quite definitely that its girls' names I need to be thinking about, and forget the boys'. She is clearly a bit mad, but then again she might be right? I settle on Daisy or Molly.

On 10th January my son is born.

It is a bit of a shock really - the sex of the baby, not the birth.

I ask the midwife, "Are you sure?""

"Absolutely", she replies.

I ask the Artist to check.

"Definitely", he agrees with a very proud look.

So that's that. The witch got it wrong. Perhaps if she'd looked at my front rather than my back she might have got it right.

Son number two is gorgeous and sweet, and son number one adores him. Apart from at night when we all hate him. That may sound extreme but it is a fact. The Angel baby by day becomes a Devil baby by night. There is just no reasoning with him and the frustration of

a) not enough sleep for me to be a rational, loving mother

b) a baby who is not hungry, not wet, not ill and definitely not sleepy

c) haunting tales of babies who sleep through the night and have to be woken for breakfast

make me unable to deal with devil night-baby in a patient earth-motherly manner. The worst thing I find is that kindly well-wishers offer such gems as, "I'm sure he'll grow out of it", or "Have you tried ......?"

Yes, trust me, we've tried everything; from controlled crying to stories, songs, tapes of stories and songs, shouting (not guaranteed to improve the situation but sometimes necessary for our sanity) and still nothing works. The funny thing is, he did grow out of it, so to all you sleep-deprived, guilt-ridden, frustrated parents, hang on in there, because generally these things do have a way of sorting themselves out. By all means try everything, because not is worse. But remember that babies, like most adults, do not like to be told what to do. Encouragement reaps the best results. You will see that I am right. Perhaps not now, but read these words in twenty years time and you'll see the funny side. Sleep deprivation is bad for most things but good for blurring the memory.

The Angel-Baby is now four - time really does fly!

Diary of A Norfolk Broad (Chapter Two)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 14:13:00 +0000

On a cold, damp November day in 1999, one Artist, one Essex Girl, a baby and two cats suddenly found themselves on the A11 heading for a new life in North Norfolk, leaving behind an old one in East London.
The removal men had arrived at our flat bright and early, and within an alarmingly short amount of time, had transported our entire life into the back of two box vans. There was barely even time to say good-bye to our home of five years, our first proper home together. It's impossible not to get sentimental, and in those last moments when the flat still belonged to us, five years of memories flashed through my mind; the day we moved in, proudly showing off our new home to my parents and cooking my first meal for them in our enormous kitchen, bringing home our newborn son from the hospital, the friends we shared happy times with, the birthday parties - everything.
I'm sure everyone goes through this last pang of sadness, wondering whether or not they are doing the right thing, but especially so if they have left their nice, comfy jobs to start a new life, and are taking a plunge into the deep unknown. Sounds a bit dramatic I know, but believe me, at the time it all felt a bit dramatic. Worse still, if our plan for a better life didn't work out as planned, there was no going back. Every two seconds property prices in London were going through the roof, so that by the time we'd locked the front door, walked to the car and turned the key in the ignition, we were priced out of the London market for ever!
Anyway, onwards we go.
Did I mention that it was a cold, damp day? And that was just the inside of our new house. I wonder if there is a Bad Fairy of House Moves? A little imp who thinks it could be fun to break the pump in the boiler? Or a real hoot to make sure that the television aerial doesn't work either, so that at ten o'clock at night, stressed and exhausted, nestled among the leaning tower of our life in boxes, about to tuck ravenously into fish and chips in the paper (because we couldn't find any plates), we decide to switch on the television only to be greeted by a hissing blizzard on the screen.
We shrugged philosophically (ok, so we swore a lot and I cried a bit), finished our food, went to bed, and the next day unpacked, started our new life, and waited for Spring to come.
There was a kind of fantasy about escaping from London and living in the 'Sticks', I think; one where the sun was always shining, the hens were pecking about vast garden (we never did actually get around to buying the hens, but we thought about it - a lot), while baby and me tended our vegetable plot with the Artist locked in his studio creating masterpieces which were going to sell in London for a fortune, allowing us an even better life, as living in (or near) the country is so much cheaper than living in the city isn't it? Apart from when we go to the supermarket which I expect is the same.
Yes, life in the sticks was going to be fabulous.

Diary of a Norfolk Broad (Chapter One)

noreply@blogger.com (norfolkbroad) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 09:48:00 +0000

Have you ever got to a point in your life where you realise that something has to change? Usually it's a relationship or career thing, but sometimes there can be other reasons. For instance, when children come along and you discover that weekends have become a whole new experience. My friends without kids have their routine, as I have mine. They lie-in late, get the papers, make fresh coffee, go back to bed, get up (again), go out for lunch, no change that, go out for a long, leisurely lunch (no interruptions you see, from little Molly getting bored, or young Will needing the loo every five minutes), then off to Waitrose (sounds more glam than Sainsbury's), and back home for something delicious a la naughty Nigella and copious amounts of wine, before retiring for a rampant early night. They get to spend so much more time in bed, don't they?
My weekend is not like this. No, firstly the term weekend, as in 'the end of the week', does not apply. It is not the end of the week, merely the continuation of the week, when instead of going out to work, I stay at home to work, in between trying to think up exciting outings for my son that do not involve :
a) 6 million mile long traffic jams
b) crowds of other tired and grumpy parents wearily trying to provide stimulating, fun experiences for their offspring
c) a severe shortage of fast food outlets giving away 'free gifts' - nothing can beat the look of joy on their little faces than the aquisition of a new piece of plastic rubbish whose future is guaranteed a place in the bottom of the toy box within six hours or less

But I digress. Before too long, the cracks begin appearing in this idyllic arrangement, and urban life suddenly fails to hold the appeal it once did. You don't 'Go Out' as a couple (or hardly at all), and phrases like, 'Quality of Life' suddenly slip into conversation, as well as the question of schools for your little one. Let's face it, unless you're living in the right catchment area, you can forget about a decent education in London. Too few schools for too many children. Under-paid and over-worked teachers will not give their 'all' to your child, and as we know, if a child doesn't get a good start, then their future looks less than rosy!
And before you know it you've swapped your flat in East London for a cottage in North Norfolk - in a very small town, not a village, no (too much of a culture shock) and an East End Girl has become a Norfolk Broad.

And all of a sudden, here you are, in a small town surrounded by countryside, and almost spitting distance from the sea and the sandy beaches which have exactly the right kind of sand for superb sand castles, which certainly beats the dog-poo filled sand-pit in the park. Oh, and the friends who still live in London, and do the childless weekend thing - well they come and do the country weekend in your house now!